My missing AGAIN

I miss you.
It's bullshit that time heal all wounds. Time trudges on and I miss you just the same. It doesn't get anymore or any less. It is emotionally driven though. Full moon and PMSing, this is the worst combo. You live two blocks away! I don't have to miss you. So every night I have this fight with myself about why I have to miss you. Have to.................strange that something that brought me such joy and passion I now have to be without. Why do I think, that I have to miss you? I'm afraid of hurting you AGAIN. I want to be with you but I don't want to be with you. I know that makes zero sense but thats what it is. And thats why I don't walk the two blocks to your house, beg you to come out to watch the full moon ripple on the ocean. Because I can't explain it to you. I can't even explain it to me.

Nobody want to see us together

Well a lot has changed since the last post. I've gone through a couple different stages of emtions over you. And now, finally, I'm back at the begining. I miss you, quite simply. I want a big hug, a big release, and then I want to know everything about the past 3 months that we've had apart. Partially because I want to know if you have anything significant to tell me about what happened to us, partially because I'm curious to see if you'd addmit to making a few mistakes. But mostly I just desparetly miss you.
I'm back in the scene, and I'm wondering now if I'll meet anyone who'll fulfill so many holes that you filled. This guy is so concerned with how others see him. This guy is so surface and not deep at all. This guy doesn't even seem to know that I exsist sometimes. I was sooooooo spoiled in some circumstances. And not in others. You never told me who you were. I had this image of you, that got completely shattered by our circumstance. You didn't seem to share much of your past, and I can understand why. But it still wasn't fair.
I'm going to quit my job because of you, I'm going to believe that there's something better out there for me, partially because of you.
Thank you

I can't stop

I had a niggling in the back of my mind that this was all too good to be true (you and I being friends I mean)

You know some people could just go through life pretending and it would work really well for me if you could! But thats one of the things I love about you. You have to be true to you. Don't ever stop being that.

Tell me it's just lust! That doesn't even work, because I don't believe either one of us is capable of that kind of relationship.

How I feel: (Only if you're ready for a rollercoaster)
I have to admit that I still have two minds on this topic. One's quite a bit bigger than the other, because it has more to feed on and time to feed on it. Even you were telling me this would never work. I'm over that seeking other opinions now though. I know only I have the knowledge and the information to make the best decisions for me. But I have to resist the urge to do what feels good only in this instance. There are other things to consider. Like the respect I have for you. So yes, running up there and crying in your arms right now sounds WONDERFUL. But Paul, in your own words, you're worth more than that. Those words are burned in my soul. Because I don't think anyone has said anything so true to me, EVER! And that in itself makes me want to be with you. Grrrrrrrrrrrr you see I don't want to wrap you up in the confusion. But by telling you this I have. So I can't send this email, I'll post it here instead. This is what I wish I could tell you.

I figured that I shouldn't contact you untill I had put you in the past, and I haven't yet, I still replay it all and make it now. But I thought maybe seeing you would force me into a new reality of "this is my friend, not my lover" I guess that won't work either. Because yesterday I was a bit giddy about seeing you. And when I received this email..........well at first I said, "NO NO NO NO NO" and then I smiled. Each day gets a little easier, except for this one of course.

What I wish............I wish we could sit on your couch and discuss these things over a cup of tea. I think I might have to bring my bob though so tea doesn't turn into what tea turned into. I wish to be able to share my discoveries with you and visa versa. And that thought just makes me feel horrible because thats what this could have been had it not turned into something more. Was that inevitable? Who knows.

It's more of the same. Today was a bad day. I drove past your work 3 times. Your house twice and your meeting once. I went for a walk on your trail, hoping I'd run into you. I was hoping your be out there doing a little reflecting. I have this feeling tonight was the night you were getting your 5 year cake. Funny because I'd pictured this occassion often. I was watching you and your girls from the back of the room, just smiling. I'd like to say I'm proud of you, but I don't feel I have the right. I wasn't with you through the nitty gritty. But I'm glad you didn't end it like so many do. The world is truely a better place with you in it.
On the trail I was trying to figure out why I wanted to see you so bad. What is it that I want you to know? That I miss you? I'm sure you know that. And for what purpose would you need to know that. I miss having somebody in my life that likes to talk about spirituality. I miss the excitement that was between us. I miss the ENERGY that was between us. The thought that that might never exsist again is too much to bear.
Goodnight my love.

My Missing

I want to write "I MISS YOU" across the sky. I don't know what good it would do. These conflicting emotions are making me mad. Do you know I still think of you hundreds of times a day? Do you think of me the same? When will this end? Really, it's been over a month now. I want to be able to think of you and smile, not cry.

You'll have to do

So I've decided that everytime I get the urge to contact him I'll post here instead and send it out to the universe. :) and if he's supposed to hear it, he will.

I still miss you, I always will.
I forget what you're face looks like, I forget what you smell like. Do you still drink Starbucks? Will I ever stop watching every car that passes me to see if it's you? Will I ever want to wear perfume again? Will I ever want to have a candle lit bath.

I found good getting over you music, Michelle Featherstone (Coffee and Cigarettes). I miss drinking tea and listening to music like hers. I miss your candles, I miss watching you with your kids, I miss the way you used to look at me, hug me, wake me up in the morning. I miss watching you get dressed, put on your necklaces, listen to Eckhart Tolle, fill your coffee mug, wave to me from the porch. I miss your voice on the phone, that sweet and low gentle voice. I miss your quirky emails in the morning. I miss knowing you're thinking about me. I know you're still thinking about me, just like I'm thinking about you. I miss your horrible typing skills. I miss lying on your porch looking at the stars.

Last night was BAD

I am soooooooooo ashamed. I knew this is how it would turn out, why did I momentarily laps on that? I wasn't expecting I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. But what else was he going to say, really. Why didn't I see that coming.

Here's what I wish I could say to him.

I'm sorry. Actually sorry isn't enough, I'm ashamed of myself. You have to know that I'm just so confused about how I feel. And sometimes that clouds my judgement and common sence. The reason I contacted you was I was trying to get some kind of peace about our separatation. And true last week you wanted to see me and I told you that seeing you would bring me no peace. What makes this week any different? I just missed YOU...the human being who give and loves and cares out loud. I missed that guy in my life. I love you as a person, for sure. But to think of us long term, there’s just so many questions about how it would all work. That it just doesn't seem like it could be real. I feel like I'm making up this fantasy life in my head, that will probably not in reality look anything like that. And one of my fears about this whole thing is that I’m trying to be this strong/independent woman. And if I can’t make sense of our life together then why would I continue the relationship. Is that what is controlling my gut? I don’t know!

Everytime we get into this again, I’m hoping you’ll talk me out of it. Because that’s what I want. Why? Could be two reasons
1. I love you I miss you I need you
2. I’m lonely, I’m weak, I’m selfish, I’m needy

Which one is it, I don’t know. Could it be both? Is that wrong?

I told you last night that I didn't love you. Not that way. I'd like to say that I don't know what love is. But is it something we have to learn or will we know it when we see it?