Last night was BAD

I am soooooooooo ashamed. I knew this is how it would turn out, why did I momentarily laps on that? I wasn't expecting I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. But what else was he going to say, really. Why didn't I see that coming.

Here's what I wish I could say to him.

I'm sorry. Actually sorry isn't enough, I'm ashamed of myself. You have to know that I'm just so confused about how I feel. And sometimes that clouds my judgement and common sence. The reason I contacted you was I was trying to get some kind of peace about our separatation. And true last week you wanted to see me and I told you that seeing you would bring me no peace. What makes this week any different? I just missed YOU...the human being who give and loves and cares out loud. I missed that guy in my life. I love you as a person, for sure. But to think of us long term, there’s just so many questions about how it would all work. That it just doesn't seem like it could be real. I feel like I'm making up this fantasy life in my head, that will probably not in reality look anything like that. And one of my fears about this whole thing is that I’m trying to be this strong/independent woman. And if I can’t make sense of our life together then why would I continue the relationship. Is that what is controlling my gut? I don’t know!

Everytime we get into this again, I’m hoping you’ll talk me out of it. Because that’s what I want. Why? Could be two reasons
1. I love you I miss you I need you
2. I’m lonely, I’m weak, I’m selfish, I’m needy

Which one is it, I don’t know. Could it be both? Is that wrong?

I told you last night that I didn't love you. Not that way. I'd like to say that I don't know what love is. But is it something we have to learn or will we know it when we see it?

What is Love

What is Love? The age old question that no-one seems to have the same answer to. At the end of every relationship, I am left with this question. And the reason I knew this one wasn't it was my gut reactions in a couple situations. So the way I see it, you can follow your head or your heart or your gut. I've decided the gut is the best. But it's so hard knowing that I could drive two blocks, walk in his door, and all this agony would be over.
I'm sitting on his couch, holding my empty tea cup........frozen. I can't move. I should just head for the door. But part of me wants him to talk me out of it. And he tries, but I've spoken this truth to too many people to be able to explain the opposite now.