I can't stop

I had a niggling in the back of my mind that this was all too good to be true (you and I being friends I mean)

You know some people could just go through life pretending and it would work really well for me if you could! But thats one of the things I love about you. You have to be true to you. Don't ever stop being that.

Tell me it's just lust! That doesn't even work, because I don't believe either one of us is capable of that kind of relationship.

How I feel: (Only if you're ready for a rollercoaster)
I have to admit that I still have two minds on this topic. One's quite a bit bigger than the other, because it has more to feed on and time to feed on it. Even you were telling me this would never work. I'm over that seeking other opinions now though. I know only I have the knowledge and the information to make the best decisions for me. But I have to resist the urge to do what feels good only in this instance. There are other things to consider. Like the respect I have for you. So yes, running up there and crying in your arms right now sounds WONDERFUL. But Paul, in your own words, you're worth more than that. Those words are burned in my soul. Because I don't think anyone has said anything so true to me, EVER! And that in itself makes me want to be with you. Grrrrrrrrrrrr you see I don't want to wrap you up in the confusion. But by telling you this I have. So I can't send this email, I'll post it here instead. This is what I wish I could tell you.

I figured that I shouldn't contact you untill I had put you in the past, and I haven't yet, I still replay it all and make it now. But I thought maybe seeing you would force me into a new reality of "this is my friend, not my lover" I guess that won't work either. Because yesterday I was a bit giddy about seeing you. And when I received this email..........well at first I said, "NO NO NO NO NO" and then I smiled. Each day gets a little easier, except for this one of course.

What I wish............I wish we could sit on your couch and discuss these things over a cup of tea. I think I might have to bring my bob though so tea doesn't turn into what tea turned into. I wish to be able to share my discoveries with you and visa versa. And that thought just makes me feel horrible because thats what this could have been had it not turned into something more. Was that inevitable? Who knows.